I didn't mean to scare you away....
應該是國小還是國中的國語課本吧，其中有一課是琦君或是林海音的文章，文章名稱我忘了，內容也差不多都不記得，唯一記得的只有該文章女主角與幼時奶媽的小孩以前是非常親密的玩伴，但是分離了幾年的長大之後，竟然顯得更加生疏，那是個令人惋惜、令人心痛的感覺。每次讀到或想到這篇文章，我就想到了你。
We used to be close, or at least I thought we were close when we were little. We used to hang out all the time when I stayed in the East or when you came to the North. People in our clan used to say, " Oh they are like twins." whenever then saw us. And we wrote letters to tell each other about what we've been through. But it all kind of changed since I went to college and you started to work. It's like suddenly we don't know what we have in common. I talk about literature and society phenomena with my college classmates. But I didn't know what we could talk about with each other. There was especially one awkward experience that happened in my first spring vacation in college when you and your dad drove me back to my dormitory from our sweeping grave ceremony in Miao-Li. We were supposed to talk all the way in the car. But most of the time it was silence between us. I could feel your inferiority complex in front of me, like I had achieved something and you didn't. Or, maybe I did un/intentionally make you think that way. Honestly I could barely remember the real situation. But I knew for sure that after that ride, everything between us has changed.
Today, I find it even more sad when you seem to avoid some parts of your life with me, say, your romance. Maybe to you, I have everything, I have father, a dog and a family financial support for my endless study for Master's degree. And you feel that I won't be able to sympathize with you. Maybe what I just said are all just some entirely groundless guesses. But if all that above-mentioned is true. No, I don't have everything. I am just used to making me look fine and great, because I'm afraid of being inferior. I envy that you are now financially independent and have your own life away from family. I envy you for a lot of things. Now I kind of envy those who share the intimacy with you, which we used to have in the past.
Maybe I just couldn't accept the fact that both our relationship and us are different from the past. Part of me still wanna pretend that nothing ever changed. Maybe now it is the time to mourn the loss of our intimate relationship and talk myself into rebuilding a new and safe relationship with you, like we are just acquaintance for now.
Still, it aches a little...
We used to be close, or at least I thought we were close when we were little. We used to hang out all the time when I stayed in the East or when you came to the North. People in our clan used to say, " Oh they are like twins." whenever then saw us. And we wrote letters to tell each other about what we've been through. But it all kind of changed since I went to college and you started to work. It's like suddenly we don't know what we have in common. I talk about literature and society phenomena with my college classmates. But I didn't know what we could talk about with each other. There was especially one awkward experience that happened in my first spring vacation in college when you and your dad drove me back to my dormitory from our sweeping grave ceremony in Miao-Li. We were supposed to talk all the way in the car. But most of the time it was silence between us. I could feel your inferiority complex in front of me, like I had achieved something and you didn't. Or, maybe I did un/intentionally make you think that way. Honestly I could barely remember the real situation. But I knew for sure that after that ride, everything between us has changed.
Today, I find it even more sad when you seem to avoid some parts of your life with me, say, your romance. Maybe to you, I have everything, I have father, a dog and a family financial support for my endless study for Master's degree. And you feel that I won't be able to sympathize with you. Maybe what I just said are all just some entirely groundless guesses. But if all that above-mentioned is true. No, I don't have everything. I am just used to making me look fine and great, because I'm afraid of being inferior. I envy that you are now financially independent and have your own life away from family. I envy you for a lot of things. Now I kind of envy those who share the intimacy with you, which we used to have in the past.
Maybe I just couldn't accept the fact that both our relationship and us are different from the past. Part of me still wanna pretend that nothing ever changed. Maybe now it is the time to mourn the loss of our intimate relationship and talk myself into rebuilding a new and safe relationship with you, like we are just acquaintance for now.
Still, it aches a little...
No comments:
Post a Comment